...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
