my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
