I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Randomize
