I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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