i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
