I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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