i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
