i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
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