today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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