What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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