she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
