You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
