I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
