He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
