I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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