I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
