Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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