There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
