My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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