Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
