God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I stole a fireplace last night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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