About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
