The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
