my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
