the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
