just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
