Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
