In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
