So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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