Your tits are I can't wait for
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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