everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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