So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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