if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
time to smoke my breakfast
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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