Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
BRING THE BAGELS
I smell like Dick and happiness
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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