the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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