I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
