Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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