you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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