Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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