Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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