He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Randomize
