yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
