i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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