I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
