Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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