My first STD was from a foam party
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
