So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
