Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Boobs are out for the taking
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
