nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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