I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
