I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
