i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
